A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
