i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
