i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?