oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
