how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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