I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I supernannyed him into submission
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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