Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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