the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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