Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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