i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
