I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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