Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
