either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
