i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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