when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
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I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
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I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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