I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
