he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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