Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
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She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
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we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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