I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Someone shit on the floor
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
