So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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