do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
