I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
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I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
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I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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