My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
