just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
