All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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