I'm eating all of the evidence.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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