I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
