speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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