I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
