Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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