she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
