im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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