Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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