hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
