I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Randomize
