i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
