hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
