So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
