i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
