So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
