Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i wish my penis had a tongue
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
