We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
