I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
