shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
