I will die if light touches me.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
