Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I fill condoms, not promises.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
