If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.