do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
