the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
