maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
