I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
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