I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
