I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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